He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize