There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
