You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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