Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
