i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
