It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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