so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize