Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
