Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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