the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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