i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
