Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
