remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
