Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
