omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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