I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
