I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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