My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just threw up on my dentist
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Sext me about skeletons
is that a dick in a sweater?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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