Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
be right there i have to get my cape
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
