Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
