tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
