i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
