You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
