Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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