i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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