i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
