I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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