captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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