if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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