Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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