I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
