I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
