my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
