You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize