i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize