Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
