I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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