Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
