apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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