Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize