Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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