You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
