Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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