My nipple is on Facebook.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
