So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Life without a bra equals bliss.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
