Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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