The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he was CRYING into my vagina
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
