she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
