I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
