FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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