Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
