I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
