There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
