I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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