In America we eat man semen.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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