Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
