god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
