is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
