I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
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