I'm gonna have a badass scar
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
