"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
